#039;Senior moms#039; don#039;t want flashlights

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, May 7, 2003

The segment was called "Life after 50" or some such thing, and we were about to see gift items for the "senior mom."

Katie, who was introducing the person about to impart her knowledge of what "senior moms" want as gifts, was nice enough to suggest that "senior mom" might not be a title appreciated by those who qualify for it.

Anyway, I was curious to see exactly what this young womon on the screen thought us older mothers wanted for Mother's Day.

I knew it wasn't going to be good when she started with a flashlight.

"It lights up on its own when you get within so many feet of it," she said, holding up the gadget.

She described how great it is for night use - when we "senior moms" are apparently walking around our houses in the dark.

"Well that's sure what I want," I said to the television screen. "Of course us 'senior moms' will probably forget where we put it and break our necks trying to get close enough to make the darn thing light up so we can find it."

Then she held up yet another flashlight. This one recharged in your hand or something wonderful like that.

"What is it with lights?" I said. "Does she think we all go blind after 50?"

Next this 20-years-away-from-being-50-person, demonstrated a handy dandy recharger for your cell phone. I guess charging is big among "senior moms."

"My mother is always forgetting to recharge her phone," she said, laughing.

I know her mother was proud to have her announce this on national television. She went on to explain how it charged even as you talked and said what a neat little gizmo to give mom.

I guess "senior moms" need this so they can call from wherever it is they wander off to in the dark with their uncharged phones, especially since they can't find their flashlight to lead them home.

She quickly moved on to a special measuring cup, then a flour sifter for seniors and finally an insulated cup that kept stuff hot for six hours.

My mother is more years past 50 than I am, but I know she is still capable of using a regular measuring cup and I don't think she does enough sifting to need a special thing with which to do it, at least not as a Mother's Day gift. And I just plain don't understand why keeping something hot for six hours is a unique need for senior citizens, especially those who are moms.

In her entire gift display there was not one pretty thing. No nice pajamas or cute Capri pants. There was not even anything for the bath or to make mom smell good. Considering the gift mistress kept talking about arthritic hands, she could have thrown in some perfume to cover up the odor of Ben Gay.

Hey - "senior moms" may be older, but we ain't dead yet. We garden, paint, play golf, travel and do a host of stuff that our younger counterparts haven't even dreamed of yet. My only hope is that none of my children saw these gift suggestions because if I get some funky "senior mom" flashlight or a special flour sifter you can bet I'll stay hot for more than six hours without the aid of any insulation.