Three a.m. infomercials and Anna Nicole#039;s baby

Published 12:00 am Thursday, March 29, 2007

My eyes popped open, and I rolled over and made the mistake of looking at the clock.

3 a.m.

I tossed. I turned. I twisted, but I couldn't go back to sleep.

So, here I go like Linus and his blanket dragging half my bed paraphernalia with me to the living room couch to watch TV.

Have you ever really paid close attention to the infomercials that are on in the middle of the night?

You know, those &#8220informative” commercials that offer you the chance to have those &#8220washboard abs” where they show those &#8220before” and &#8220after” photos of people who have taken this diet supplement or completed that fitness workout.


And all those commercials that promise you that you can &#8220firm this” and &#8220tighten that” if you use their product or physical fitness routine?


The only thing firm about me is my resistance to buying any of this home gym stuff.

(Which reminds me,ŠŠ.my treadmill is still in the storage room being used as a clothes rackŠ.)

Those folks know their pictures were somehow airbrushed or touched up so everything looks perfect.

Have you ever noticed that you don't see these same exercise commercials coming on during &#8220Days of Our Lives” or &#8220The Young and the Restless”? Oh, no. That wouldn't work. That'd be like changing my Momma's weekly hair appointment at the beauty shop. There are some things you just don't mess with.

Not only can you find all kinds of exercise equipment at 3 a.m., but you can find out how to get your colon cleansed, how to order a swivel sweeper that swivels 360 degrees and goes forward and backward to clean your floors, how to write your own book, get rich selling real estate, or you can order make up that erases your wrinkles.

Oh, wait. I think I've ordered that before.

And don't even get me started on the &#8220Girls Gone Wild” videos. You don't see those infomercials in between the five and six o'clock news.

I have come to the conclusion that it is some kind of selling propaganda or conspiracy. Surely, we wouldn't buy any of these items during the light of day. Advertisers know that we are more vulnerable at 3 a.m.

Okay. So I ordered the wrinkle cream and the swivel sweeper. At least I passed on the colon cleansing thing.

By the way, for the record, Samson, my 21-pound tomcat, just informed me that HE was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

I just really didn't need to know that.

Regina Grayson is managing editor of The Luverne Journal. She can be reached at 335-3541 or by email: