HGTV fantasies slowing me down

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hey DYI, HGTV – Where’s the help for M-E?

I’m guessing that nearly every person who has ever dreamed of owning their own home devours those DIY programs on HGTV.

I once heard a description about the show that follows expectant mothers in the days before delivery likened to “crack for pregnant women.”

I understand that completely on the homeownership-level. You see, “Property Virgins,” “Design on a Dime” and shows of that such “are my own personal brand of heroin.” (Sorry, Ms. Meyers, but that line was too good not to steal.)

I have always loved to watch how those immensely talented people can turn the most hideous-looking home into a veritable showplace. It’s amazing.

They have talents I will never possess.

This weekend I was able to get inside my new place and make the list of needed items such as paint, rollers, a few electrical outlets and the like. As I made it from room to room, the list got bigger and bigger – a new ceiling fan here, a set of bi-fold doors to go here, closet shelving because that just isn’t enough to hold all of my junk.

By the time I made it to Marvin’s – remember, shop local – I was shaking my head, feeling a bit overwhelmed and desperately wishing that cute guy from “House Crashers” would pop over and say, “What you shopping for?”

For those who haven’t seen this show, it’s where a contractor accosts people in home improvement stores and tries to convince them to let him and a crew “crash” their home for a three-day remodel of the room of their choice.

I need that man; however, I would settle for any man, woman or really smart child to tell me how I’m supposed install a vent fan, choose paint colors and make my place look like I know that it can.

Anyway, I know it’ll get there. I’m just not sure I can do it in two weeks.

Oh, and let’s not forget about the outside.

I told someone the other day – that while I desperately love my house, it is the ugliest one on the block.

It has good bones on the inside, but is in desperate need of an extreme makeover outside. I also know that a good paint job and some flowers go a long way.

So, I guess if I’m making a list of TV shows I need to help me out, I should add “Curb Appeal” to the list.

If you haven’t seen that one, it’s where they attack desperate landscapes filled with random pampas grass and camellia and azalea bushes – oh wait, that’s my yard – and turn them into wonderful spaces.

Anyway, I should stop fantasizing that someone will take pity on me and come in and save me. That roll of blue painters’ tape is waiting. One bedroom down, three more to go…