Soprano imitation stopped calls

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The telephone rang and I hurried from the back of the house to the kitchen to answer it. I saw the number displayed on the caller ID and registered that it was one I did not recognize.

“Hello,” I said.

There was a pause, a little click and a computer-generated voice started speaking.

“This is your last and final call,” the voice said.

I recognized the message and I knew it was not my last and final call because I get about a half dozen of these calls a week. The message continued.

“There is no problem with your credit card debt,” the bodiless voice said.

Of course, there was no problem and I knew it. I also knew that at this point, I should probably hang up, but I didn’t.

“Press “1” to speak to a representative about lowering your credit card interest rate,” I heard the voice say. “Press “2” to stop receiving these offers.”

Well first, I thought this was my “final” call so the offers should stop coming when this call ends. Second, I’ve pressed the number two on more of these calls than I can count, and yet the offers keep coming.

I also pressed “1” several times and when a real person answered, I requested he or she remove me from the call list. This only got me the sound of a dial tone when the representative hung up on me.

On this day, something bubbled up inside me and I decided to start having fun instead of getting aggravated about these calls. So, I pressed “1” and waited for my representative to answer.

“Hello,” I heard someone say.

That is when I started to making sobbing sounds. Oh how I cried, or at least sounded like I was crying. Click and I heard a dial tone.

Next day almost the same time, the phone rang again. I heard the same message as the day before.

This time, I pressed “1” and screamed a bloodcurdling scream for help. Click and dial tone — not even an offer to help me.

You’d think after that my name and number would never come up again. Wrong.

Phone rang. I answered.

“This is your last and final call.”

I paused for a second, then pressed “1”, and waited. When I heard the hello on the other end, I went into my best imitation of a Southern Baptist evangelist — you know the ones you hear late at night on television who sound like a cross between a preacher and a traveling salesman. I emphasized the “d” sound as I shouted “Praise God.”

It took a few seconds and I think I heard an “amen” before the click and dial tone.

Surely now, I was on some kind of don’t call her list. Nope.

Phone rang and I knew from the number on the caller ID that I was about to get another of those amazing low interest offers. This time I cleared my throat before pressing the number that got me to a representative.

“Hello,” said a man’s voice.

And I launched into something akin to an operatic performance by a very bad soprano. The high notes wobbled and sounded a little like I was strangling a cat. Suppressing a cough, I hung up before I heard the click on the other end.

Three seconds later, the phone rang again and I saw a different number on the caller ID. When I picked up the phone all I heard was laughter, sidesplitting laughter. Then I heard a voice between the chuckles.

“Can you please do that again?” a man said.

“Sure,” I said, “but I won’t.” And with that, I hung up.

There hasn’t been a call in a day or so, but I’m sure I haven’t gotten the last one. I figure I’m now on a list labeled, “Crazy person to call for a laugh.” I think I might be the only one on that list.

Halleluiah. Can I get an amen!