Thankfully, only few more days

Published 1:07 am Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Only one week until the primary election in Alabama. Let me write that again – one more week.

That means seven days of political advertising. Again – seven more days and it ends or at least takes a break. Well, unless there is a runoff.

I’m doing my best not to follow politics in Alabama or anywhere else, for that matter. The whole mess is too negative and it drains my energy thinking about it. Of course with constant commercials, it’s hard not to follow politics a little.

Now I know being a good citizen includes voting, but how do you figure out anything about who is running? Seems to me they all hire the same advertising agency to come up with their television commercials and printed materials.

From what I’ve seen and heard so far, there are a couple of things candidates must put in their advertising in order to win an election in this state. (At least the ad agency decided certain things are necessary if you want to get votes).

First, a candidate must have a picture taken exiting a church, preferably with a family in tow. (Babies and elderly family members are great). It’s better if there is a pastor present to shake hands with everyone.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy folks go to church. I’m glad for them to shake the preacher’s hand. I do not think that tells me a thing about what kind of people these candidates are or how they will represent their constituents.

Just because you show up for church, doesn’t guarantee you are living like the good book says you should live. Pictures in front of a church are easy and to borrow a line from a Shenia Twain song – “That don’t impress me much.”

If you walk around in a field with some farmers, that also makes for a good campaign commercial in Alabama. Better if you can get a farmer to say how wonderful you are while you both stand beside a fence with at least one cow in the background. To borrow a line from Saturday Night Live’s church lady – “Well, isn’t that special?”

Of course, there are the required videos of candidates shaking hands with employees in a factory and of them sitting on a couch with their spouse and/or children. (Front porch rockers work as well as a couch.)

An absolute “must” for candidates is a commercial that uses the words, “conservative,” and “our values/family values.” They should not in any way be linked to or have any relationship with those one-step-from-Satan folks known as liberals (i.e. Democrats). In addition, they must be protecting, standing up for, or bringing back “our values.” They never go into detail about what “our values” are, but they are protecting them from something (probably those liberals).

The final and biggest thing candidates have to do (if you believe their commercials) is show the person running against them is in some way connected to President Obama. My favorite ad shows a candidate looking into a mirror and his reflection changes to Obama’s face. (We all know our president is one of those pesky liberals and probably not even one step removed from Satan. At least that’s what I get from the political ads).

I know I’m talking mostly about candidates running for state office, but I’m betting we’ve go some local ones protecting our values as well.

Oh, I almost forgot, candidates need to save us from Obamacare, too.

And, that folks is how getting elected in Alabama works. I haven’t figured out how it tells me what kind of public servants candidates are, or if they will fairly represent everyone, even if some of their constituents’ “values” are different from theirs.

One thing I know for sure is I’ll be glad when the primary election is over. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the folks they hired to come up with this campaign material are laughing all the way to the bank.