Really, I’m not a Hun

Published 1:28 am Saturday, November 1, 2014


According to Wikipedia, the Huns were a nomadic people or peoples who are known to have lived in Eastern Europe, the Caucasus, and Central Asia between the 1st century AD and 7th century. So, when I call a doctor’s office, am waited on in a restaurant, or checking out at the grocery store, I’m a little surprised when I am referred to as a “Hun.” I don’t think I look anything like a Hun. I do wear hats sometimes but never one made of animal hides with something that looks like a horse’s tail coming out of a pointy top. So, there should be no confusion.

Some friends of mine have told me that such people are actually using a term of endearment and calling me “Honey.” Frankly, I find that explanation ridiculous. Imagine how insulting and derogatory it would be to have someone pretend to have an intimate relationship with you when you just want them to re-fill your tea. No, there has to be another reason. I believe there must be a segment of the population, especially in the South, that are concerned that the Huns will invade and they want to be in on it so they are trying to identify open-minded Huns who will let them enlist in their ranks. Never trust these people.

Of course, even more alarming, there are strangers among us who refer to me and others as “Sugar” or “Baby.” Being neither a form of sugar nor a baby, I can only conclude there is some lapse in our educational system when it comes to the review of definitions of common vocabulary terms. However, it could be something much more serious. These unfortunate people could be the product of generations of their ancestors marrying too close to the family tree and causing chromosomal aberrations that lead to a severe lack of mental acuity. Such people may be unable to tell the difference between a middle-aged man and a cube of sugar or recognize the transition from an infant to an adult. So, remember, if a stranger calls you “Sugar” or “Baby,” I would suggest you automatically assume there is some sort of severe brain deficiency at work. However, don’t try to correct them because they may not have the mental capacity to understand. Any comment contrary to their beliefs could result in states of confusion, severe anxiety, or the placement of nasal secretions in your food order.

However, the most disturbing behavior comes from those who are blatantly using germ warfare against us. Of course, I’m talking about finger lickers. We’ve all see them. They tend to put themselves in positions in which they pass pieces of paper to others. Nearly everywhere there is a form someone must request, there is a person behind a desk when requested to give you said form, immediately sticks out his/her tongue, licks the second and third digits of their hand, and then rubs their excretions into the document in order to spread whatever pestilence they possess. Co-conspirators include people operating checkout registers who lick their fingers before reaching into the register to make change or grabbing a plastic bag. Other than refusing to fill out forms and using self-checkout, there is little we can do to protect ourselves. Sadly, I predict that these salivary predators will ultimately be responsible for the elimination of humans from the face of the earth. So, with that in mind, a minor Hun invasion pales by comparison. Greg Powell